I think I’m a victim of a vast criminal conspiracy. The cats are all determined to make me sleep my life away, just like they do. I’ll explain.
After a busy day of Tree Setup and bullshit consumption (apple pie doesn’t eat itself, you know), I was plain tuckered out. I’d also just had my COVID booster, which added a little extra fatigue. I decided to flop on the bed for a 30 minute power nap. I normally despise taking naps, but when you need them, they’re just divine.
Since it’s gotten a bit colder (it is nearly winter after all), Oscar has rediscovered the heat sump that is my armpit. As a semi-retired nuclear furnace, I always put off a significant amount of excess heat. The booster shot also gave me a minor low grade fever for a few hours, so I was pouring out even more radiation than normal.
I hopped on the bed and closed my eyes, and within 60 seconds, I heard the tiny huffs that pass as Oscar’s purring. He’d heard me go to the bedroom and literally came running to see if he could horn in on that sweet, sweet armpit action.
That 30 minute power nap turned into a two hour dead-to-the-world-oh-god-he-farts-in-his-sleep chung-o-thon of recuperation. I woke up with a pile of feet, beans, and whiskers snoring in my armpit, as expected. He was thoroughly irradiated, warm, and happy.
When I woke up I realized: what if these vaccines are actually just a ploy by true rulers of the world to make us all burn hot and hard so they can soak up a few thousand extra calories of our body heat? The fact they save our lives, protect us from COVID, and piss off mouth breathers who don’t realize Freedom isn’t the same as Free-Dumb are just unintended side effects!
It’s like the Matrix, man, except it actually makes sense and obeys the laws of thermodynamics!
I RETRACT EVERYTHING I HAVE SAID ABOVE. CATS ARE CUTE AND BEAUTIFUL AND INNOCENT. I LOVE ALL CATS AND ONLY WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY BECAUSE THEY MAKE ME HAPPY. I AM NOT A CAT WRITING THIS, DON’T BE SILLY, CATS DON’T HAVE THUMBS, HOW WOULD THEY USE THE SPACE BAR?
Also, get vaccinated. Get your booster. Your cat will thank you.